Time passes, things do change, but I still look back and notice myself taking steps backwards as I take steps forwards.

I'm not sure what it is I want beyond understanding and acceptance amongst everyone. I guess more importantly I want to be accepted. I wish also for that feeling I recieved from Cecilia, something I haven't quite felt since. I thought I've found it various times in others... but the truth is starting to dawn on me and I guess the human in me doesn't want to accept it, because it means living a life of regret and insatiability.

Granted, I've always been an insatiable person. I've endless desire for pointless things, but I have the ability not to express this longing. Of course, the longing still exists inside. What could create desire? Well... an absence of course. I think it's obvious where I'm going with that though. Kinda makes the whole thing moot too. I want something that cannot be and I can't seem to truly settle for "less" as it were either.

Why? Well... that's pretty interesting a question in this case. So simple a question, but difficult for me to answer. In my case, it's a multi-answer question. One, I don't trust people as much as I lead some to believe... I guess I've just been hurt too much in the past. And there are various others that have betrayed me, abused and controlled me and others that have constricted me and forced me to sacrifice things.

Then the second reason would be that people that have managed to get close to me end up abandoning me anyway. It was always the same, people get what they want and then they move on their way. Or betray me and it goes back to the first reason with some of these. Sometimes... it's just a legitimate reason or something worse, like someone dying. You can't fault that of course... but I do worry needlessly. And of course, the fact that somehow, loving me is impossible.

Friendship has been made a mockery before me and it has twisted my own view. In my own madness at a point in time, I twisted friendship aswell, because it was the only way to defend myself in my eyes at the time. I hurt others... I am not without my transgressions. I won't claim that, but it doesn't change anything to admit it or not either. The fact remains, everything that has happened still happened. No amount of apologizing will fix it... the only thing we can do is move on and make better with the future, right?

Well... not to some. Or most even. People still find it in them to use their selfish desire to muck things up. I suppose I'm no better than others with that. I try to be, but I have my own desires aswell... but I strive very greatly to put others above my desires. I even make sacrifices to fulfill other people's desires. So... where does that leave me? What should I do exactly? I don't have all the answers. The path I desire is clear, but the path is trodden with the fact that it requires the whims of others... and humans are whimsical at best.

Love is but an illusion with most of them, it comes and goes as it wishes, usually out of convenience. Or they will grasp something that they shouldn't take because they can't have it for the rest of their days. They take it because they don't want to endure the hardships of what they already have... Oh wait. Maybe this applies to me as well? I'm not so sure though. Anyway, thought interruption aside... I can't stand it. Eh... I don't even feel like continuing my thoughts on that matter, my mind is getting jumbled.

Next though, I guess... or not. I can't think of anything else... so I'll go straight to the conclusion... this is why I hate writing about me I think. I can't ever say what the fuck I want to say anymore. It just pisses me off. Everything pisses me off. Everyone and everything. But before I go "psycho" all of a sudden... the point is to try and open up I guess.

That's dangerous, but I can't fear the consequences anymore. So, I'll "open the door" I guess. Or try to... there's a lot of stuff in front of it right now and only a few people had the key previously. But... if I truly want to better myself, I guess I have to open it up and let something inside. That said, I've also realized what is bad for me... I've also realized what I can't compromise on anymore. And I'll learn to say "Fuck off" more often when regarding whims of others that hurt me... granted a lot of it is too late now. I'll never be able to take back the last 2 years... let alone the last 13 years of my life. I'd like to start over, but I can't. So let us settle for the current time... and keep trudging through this swamp called life.

At the end, I promise there will be lots of apple pie. Delicious scrumptious apple pie. Oh yes...

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Tenpei Sato - Fathima

This is gonna be a shorty, I think. I'm tired and a bit dizzy right now, but I think today paid off well.

I feel like I'm going more forward than backwards for a change. It's been a long road, no doubt. I look back and realize that there's been alot of things I've learned, things I've changed on, experiences gained. People have come and gone, love gained and lost. I look to the past and see that ya know... it's all been worth it thus far. Despite all the anguish, the pitiful attempts at giving up and the struggling I did to accept myself and the world around me... or perhaps it was a struggle of denying the world around me. I tried so much to abandon the fact that we all have things we have to do.

Childish weakness, not wanting to face tomorrow, not wanting to be without Cecilia to hold me when things got their worst. But, that loss became a strength, I think. Cecilia helped me realize strength I didn't know I had. The ability to do what others cannot, the ability to fight for my ideals, even if I betray them... I can always pick up my sword and keep moving forward. Nothing has truly stopped me no matter what happens. I have fallen and hit the ground many times... but this sword, this ideal is something that allows me to keep getting up.

Because it's something worth fighting for. Even when I fall down, the road keeps on telling me to go on. Because at the top of that hill, my ideal is still there waiting.

I met an interesting person today, I'm curious to see what I can learn from her. And things have been going particularly well with the "apple of my eye" as someone put it recently. Yeah, I'm a pain in the ass for not clarifying what is what, but these days, certain individuals seem to be peeking at my thoughts. <_< Not that I care. I have no weaknesses anymore... I have no regrets. Everything I've done up till now is valid and I'll fulfill my promises I've made. Besides... there is someone trying to walk a similar path, I can't exactly let myself be shown up now, can I? I want to be able to keep up with her, so we can walk that path together. I've realized I never had to go it alone, no matter how much it felt like it... Well, this was longer than expected, but I have placed enough thoughts for now. Bed time shortly. G'night LJ.

Irritating day is irritating. I have to pay off $30 plus whatever overdrawn fees my bank charges me because of my miscalculations and the douchery of a certain someone.

For some reason I've been getting angry alot lately... minus the above. For no real reason, really... I notice it happens every so often, I should ask my counselor about it. Unfortunately, I've once again got too many projects on my plate again.

The L, Narshald and R projects are enough as it is and then there's that overseas trip I'll have to make sooner or later. Of course, there's also the family reunion... things just keep getting better and better.

So yeah... minor update. Too much crap, not enough good. Angry too often and need more sleep.

Sleep well, silly LJ.

G'night Linda.

G'night Ceci.

Current Mood: exhausted

I said I'd start... so let's start this bitch.

I've experienced an infinite spectrum of delicious emotions and memoria. I'd like to give a shout out to myself a few years ago. You sir, are a dick. >_>

That is all.

Anyway, so today I was reminded a personal truth and schooled on the essence of Love. Mhm, me, mister perfect. The genius of geniuses. I'm such a fucking retard, because I unwittingly conformed to societal norms and abandoned my way of thinking... OUR way of thinking. I've pretty much shamed my entire existence for the last 6 years... thought it was 5, but I forgot time actually works in a sense that this year counts and another year before it counts... but before I lose my train of thought let's get to the point, shall we?

The meat of this is that I put one type of love above all others. Granted my vision doesn't go hand-in-hand with the lesson... as we are seperate individuals, even if we share similar mind sets... point of the matter is, Love is Love. A concept not widely accepted, but one that is beyond the word "obvious logic"

I neglected this fact because I lost what was the most dynamic love in my life at the time... when I really didn't have shit else to help me when I was down, depressed, hurt, damaged and so forth. Cecilia, my mentor and muse provided things for me at the time that I didn't have from those that should've given it to me.

Life tends to bitch slap you though, granted it happens to all of us. I'm no different, not special in that regard. I developed a disorder because of loss like this... which continued throughout my life, like anyone elses. Of course, I handled it wrong... I didn't try to do the right thing and let continued loss send me into a spiral downward. I developed even more jacked up disorders and my insight on some things was skewed. I guess alot of things got lost in the flow of time... lessons and memories, emotions and desires.

I'm not sure what else can be said... as I said to Nat, I'm just going to continue to do what I believe in. I'll do what I can do within my limitations as a human being for the people I love and cherish, equally. Everyone is important to me, no matter how I stretch it.

So... while I doubt you had any real intent... you helped me alot today, Linda. I feel alot better about various things, even if I had to take a pretty dire blow to the stomach in the process. But you know what they say... no pain, no gain.

I refuse to drag this on longer, so I'm closing this down now. I think I might start making more LJ entries though... granted I say that everytime. We'll see what happens.

G'night everyone, sweet dreams.

Goodnight Ceci... and I'm sorry.

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: MARIE - Clover Hearts OP

What is this... entry you speak of? And why haven't I made one?

Oh... I think I remember why. Because I transcended beyond LJs.

Like my e-father before me, I have evolved to a new stature of man.

... Happy New Year. Maybe I'll start posting again despite the dramatics above. :3

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Battle Moon Wars - Tohno 2

"To get my happiness I had done everything,
but had done nothing to be blamed and accused of.
The sound of footsteps became louder every day,
Then I noticed the fact there was no time.

I was a believer in life to be myself always,
and was asking whether I would be alive.

Give me a reason why not to adapt in this way,
or judge me to be guilty of so many incurable sins.
Tell me why, or why not. Complaining way too much,
maybe I overlooked something fatal for me.

The whole world was at a complete standstill,
and I was in fetters, at the mercy of the mob.
The silent warning became louder every day.
Then I kept pretending not to hear.

Its meaning had been in the eyes of beholder all along.
It had grown dark before I found a sign.

"Among the nonsense tragedies, what on earth you are looking for?
You only have to be honest to yourself and your own fate."
Tell me why, or why not. Complaining way too much,
maybe I overlooked something fatal for me.

There is nobody who knows there will be nobody.
Except for me, all the world has gone mad.

So what is forgiveness you are willing to withhold?
What is the well-being you are willing to make?
Now what? So what? Don't you come interrupt me, oh please,
while I am interrupting myself."

I don't put lyrics in my LJ often... but whatever. Just had me thinking.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Why, or Why Not?

Time passed.

Shit went down.

I aquired a semi-large sum of dollars.

Money was spent well for my advancement, money was saved and some games were bought.

MM9, No More Heroes, Disgaea 3, Condemned 2...

Not a bad set of additions. Albeit, Condemned 2 is Billy's birthday present.

Ergo, I also got me and Kiki Persona 3:FES (twice) but my copy was bought much earlier due to circumstance

Got a job thing. I wonder how Training will go.

I'll be moving soon, I think. We'll see... I could be more strategic but...

Oh well. Life goes on.

Current Mood: accomplished

Why is this thing still here?

Why am I still here?

This existence on the internet, that has caused such pointless drama and pain.

Meh... I can't make an LJ entry anymore, because I realize how emo everything I say sounds.

I'm such a child deep down. I think all I ever wanted was to be acknowledged. By my brother, my friends, my grandparents and even my useless mom. But that sounds stupid, because I'm sure others would say I have acknowledgement... What does it mean to be acknowledged?

Pfft... I need to get to sleep to do some life stuff.

To whoever's listening... sorry.

Now, I need sleep to wake up and pretend the world is peachy, sitting on my throne and pulling a Lelouche level hax every chance I get. Showed too much weak emo tonight, since I gotta be strong or some shit. Whatever.

I changed a few things, tried to change the whole thing, but decided that my style is already kickass.

So I did what was necessary.

Time for bed, g'night.

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Naraku no Hana - Shimamiya Eiko

I am the bone of my story.

Plot is my body, and text is my blood.

I have created over a thousand scenerios.

Unaware of plotholes.

Nor aware of spelling errors.

Withstood pain to create many paragraphs.

Waiting for the epilogue.

I have no regrets, this is the only path.

My whole life was "Unlimited Scenerio Works."

... I'm such a nerd. Needs touching up, but I think the point is easy to get across.

Sleep tiem.

Current Music: Emiya - Fate/Stay Night Novel